By Joseph Chibwe
In order to cheat danger, the drunkard man pretends to be a Covid 19 patient that has just escaped from a Government isolation center.
Bakamba one night from nowhere I just popped out my eyes and found myself lying down alone mufibalabala! Shortly-shortly my memory trickled back into my dunderhead and I remembered that I was drinking beer naba Gai but they had abandoned me!
I checked the time on my Nokia 3310 ati 23:58 hours and I was almost three kilometers away from bondi! I quickly got up and started trotting back home. As I reached halfway, suddenly my eyes bumped into four men that were matching in my direction. These were dressed in black long coats with head-sock and masks covering their faces. Each had a long iron bar!
Bakamba ine ukutamba tower njebele, “Umm is that ba police? No no no no that can’t be, these must be armed robbers – nivi gabenga ivi!”
Bakamba I thought njebele, “If these guys are night robbers then nalaba dribbler, nalabachaya hat-trick. I will just tell them that am a Corona patient who has just escaped from quarantine and surely they will let me go as a free Mandela! Bakamba the four men reached where I was, surrounded me, and ordered me to kneel down!
I knelt down but as one robber tried to slash me with an overlap mbama, I screamed njebele, “Allo ba Gai tabapalamina sana – keep social distance!” The robbers ati, “Shut up!!! Where are you coming from and where were you running to?”
Njebele, “Sir, have just escaped from quarantine center ya Convid 19!” The robbers ati, “Ehhhh!!! Did you just say you are a Covid 19 patient?” Njebele, “Oh yes! Elo ine the Covid 19 I have is third wave from India!” The robbers, “Oh so you are the one we read from Kalemba Facebook page that you have escaped from the government quarantine center?” Njebele, “Sure boss, ndine wamene!” One of the robbers turned to his colleagues: “Ahh gentlemen uyu musiyeni ayende chabe!”
Boss robber: “We are responsible citizens and we can’t just let him go otherwise he will infect a lot of people with Corona!” Another robber: “But boss we can’t take him back quarantine. Remember we are on the police wanted list and people might identify us and alert the police!”
Boss robber: “Guys, between Kafue and Luangwa Rivers, which one is more crocodile-infested?” The rest of the robbers responded ati, “Luangwa river boss!” Boss robber: “Good!!!! Let us get a cab and take this man to ku Luangwa river, that’s the only way we shall save our people from contracting Corona from this idiot!”
Bakamba me upon hearing that, diarrhea started paging, temperature tariff shot up and sweat started gassing out of my skin like showers. All the beer that was in my dunderhead evaporated at once!
Njebele, “Bosele, if you take me to Luangwa and throw me into Luangwa river, I will infect crocodiles and fishes with Corona and that is tantamount to Cap 107 of the laws of wildlife!”
Boss robber: “Better to infect crocodiles than human beings!” And Boss robber even ordered one of his colleagues to go and book a cab. Bakamba now knowing that yazanda, I denounced my Coronavirus lies, njebele, “Bosses okayfye ukulandafye ichishinka truthfully speaking and I swear, kaleza upon ba mbuya, I’m not a Covid 19 patient.
Bakamba what followed was terrible. I was put in a sack and I heard ka taxi landing pa scene at kwii! At that moment I recognized the driver’s voice. The robbers had booked James one of the boyfriends to Kana Miso.
By the time I was being thrown in the boot, I shouted Bana Miso nafwa – upon which the robbers scampered in all directions, including James. The only problem was that I didn’t know how to drive automatic koma manual Bakamba.
To be continued on Tuesday.
Christian author, Joseph Chibwe describes his drama series as fictional; depicting a cantankerous drunkard from Malole Tavern who narrates his own dramatic escapades using a language he barely comprehends.