By Joseph Chibwe
Bakamba seated mu Bolabeti anxiously waiting for Italy to hammer England and walk away with K43,000 zipompo, ba Gai advised me ati, “Shi Joe can you do a cash out and take the K8000 given otherwise Italy maybe defeated!”
Njebele, “No ways!!!! Azawina Italy niziba azangenesa manje manje!” Bakamba to my disappointment Italy got walloped exactly like Ukraine. It completely killed my ticket.
I took a walk of shame heading back home with tears of sorrow running down my face. As I walked slowly back home, the pain of losing 43 zipompo was too much to bear, and failed to mourn in silence but did a “Jesus wept” loudly and uncontrollably.
One elderly Muzimai called Mama Tompwe from Luapula approached me and asked, “Tata Shi Joe kindo ukolila kansi?” Njebele, “Mayo Bola Beti yafwa!!!” Ba Muzimai was like, “Uyuwine Chola Betty umwipwa obe afwa????”
Bakamba before I could correct her to say “No Ba mayo ni Bola Bet not my niece Chola Betty. the old woman had already started singing ichimbo chamalilo. She started crying that Chola Betty my niece had died. To make matters worse the people who saw Mama Tompwee cry, just joined in unison. Before long everyone had joined Mama Tompwe in mourning my niece. Others were even comforting me ati, “Kosa Shi Joe fisanga baume!”
One neighbor came on the scene, got into his thick wallet and produced a K1000.00, and said, “Shi Joe sorry for the death of you Niece, this is to help with the funeral. And he called on everybody to escort me to my house.
Me seeing the K1000.00, in my heart njebele shiiiiiii donchi kubeba! Bakaamba I landed home with sympathizers weeping all over. To my surprise, the sad news had already reached home and kalekale abalumendo had started removing the sofas. Before I realized it, inkuni already on the way, and a tent was being erected.
We entered the house and sat in the already cleared living room. My wife-Bana Joe looked shocked but bravely asked, “Bashi Joe Betty was here nombaline apa but what has killed her? Has she been bashed by a Car?? Was it hit and run?”
At that juncture, I wanted to correct the situation but Bo Nyambe entered our now mourning house and was like, “Listen, everybody, as an aspiring MP in this 2021 general election, I will sponsor this funeral, and here is K50,000 cash to cater for funeral expenses and I will buy the coffin. Betty was like my daughter to me and may her soul rest in peace. And he handled the money to me.
At that moment ine ziii maningi but was praying to the devil to keep my niece Betty away from the house otherwise it was going to be catastrophic!
Now from nowhere Kana Miso walked in and she was like, “Halo, Halo okay manje tinkaleko ziiiii tonse!” And suddenly the entire house came to a standstill. Kana Miso “First ine nifuna kuziba what has killed Betty so suddenly.” Knowing that kana Miso will collapse everything, I blasted her off, njebele, “iweh ka Shorty that question can wait! Can’t you see that we are first discussing burial program naba Honorable!”
At this juncture, Kana Miso got her phone and dialed Chola Betty’s number. Chola Betty: Hello Auntie. Kana Miso: “Iwe Betty are you answering the phone from the mortuary?” Chola Betty: Which mortuary? Give me two minutes nili kuseli kwa Nyumba!
Bakamba ine faint! Luckily after the hullabaloo, Bo Nyambe declined to withdraw his K50,000 donation saying “Shi Joe can you use that to renovate your house!” The only problem arose from the man who gave me K1000 as he insisted that it was nsalamu for my niece Chola Betty.
To be continued on Friday.
Christian author, Joseph Chibwe describes his drama series as fictional; depicting a cantankerous drunkard from Malole Tavern who narrates his own dramatic escapades using a language he barely comprehends.
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