By Joseph Chibwe
Bakamba last evening I was coming from Malole Tavern, as usual drunk belegede.
While on the way, suddenly I remembered that it was Bana Joe’s birth day! I then lifted my foot-brake, logged in to Facebook to upload my wife’s photo and announce to all and sundry or is it sundry and all. In trying to tell the whole world about Bana Joe’s birth day, I mistakenly uploaded Kana Miso’s photo on my wall with caption; “Happy birthday wife of my youth”
Early in the morning I woke up with umulamba too much and thought of sunbathing outside! Upon coming outside, Kana Miso revamped from her house and came straight and clamped my neck with her two hands!
Njebele, “Na Miso, I know I owe you zipompo but look, when Ba Council unleashes ba Bailiff at any house for non-payment of land rates, they don’t go about clamping people’s throats, okay! Please can you liberate my neck with immediate effect otherwise I will take you ku Victim Support for attempted murder!”
Kana Miso released my neck by blasting me off; “iwe vaupuba sinimafuna wanvela, waika photo yanga pa Facebook with caption at that’s my wife, am I your wife ayi? Niuze?”
Njebele, “Na Miso, olo nakolewa bwanji there is no way I can post yowa zesco pole structured body on Facebook and call it my wife!” Kana Miso ati, “Shi Joe uziba ati I can sue you?” Njebele, “No problem sue me and I will counter sue you for impersonating my wife! Elo iwe Kana Miso just look at my wife’s hips, ama hips yeka-yeka ni bumper harvest!
Now tell me how can a normal husband leave her beautiful wife with ama hips monga Kilimanjaro? Can I upload photos of a woman whose backside kwati kwalipita Grader yaba Avic international? In short iweh Kana Miso yowa body has no steak and uploading such steak-less body on Facebook can bring ZICTA reprisals!”
Kana Miso ati, “iweh Joe can you log into your Facebook account and check what you posted last evening!” Njebele, “Na Miso am telling you it’s my wife’s photo I posted and not yowa flat-land body.” Bakamba I got my phone, logged in to Facebook and saw Kana Miso’s photo on my account with comments from my drinking crew ati; “Semeki Bana Joe looking beautiful!”
Kana Miso ati “waona kah! Nivichani ivi?” Njebele, “Na Miso I think yowa photo got entangled into my gallery and that’s why I made this mistake!” Kana Miso ati, “Entanglement ndiye vichani?”
Njebele, Entanglement it is a situation whereby you get a road construction photo from another country such as Nigeria and claim it is Mazabuka road. This is very common in Zambian manifestos!” Kana Miso ati, “No Shi Joe you are the only one with this tendency of cropping other people’s wives and claiming they are yours!”
Njebele, “Problem Kana Miso you are not well informed. Recently Ba Zescolo got a picture of Pacific Ocean and claimed it was Kariba dam in its full capacity! Kana Miso ati “ummm bozaah, just pull down my photo from you wall manje manje apa so!”
Njebele, “As I do that, Na Miso pray hard that Bana Joe hasn’t seen this photo otherwise you and I will be in some kind of bally will fix it situation!”
To be continued on Friday.
Christian author, Joseph Chibwe describes his drama series as fictional; depicting a cantankerous drunkard from Malole Tavern who narrates his own dramatic escapades using a language he barely comprehends.
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