GUEST ARTICLE: Buyoya’s botched mission overseas….

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Immediately he cut his teeth in reportage, Buyoya endeavoured to follow into the footsteps of those gone before him, religiously…….giants of the small screens such as the likes of Charles Mando, Gorret Mapulanga, Frank Mutubila, Maureen Nkandu etc.

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Whenever guests appeared before him, he’d unsettle them with probing questions as his penetrating gaze bored into them like a drilling machine. Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses, Captains of the industry and the Clergy, Politicians and Celebrities would be humbled, leaving them soaked like broiler chickens!

When those that spoke through the nostrils in the land far beyond the valleys and deserts, mountains and forests, rivers and seas caught wind of his exploits, they enticed him with a big carrot with promises of grounding into their peculiar language. They soon dispatched a jumbo jet to fish him out of Mambia.

In no time, Buyoya was on his way to United Kinklidom – the land of temperatures equivalent to the deep freezer. His dear loving mother had of course taken the trouble of preparing him enough akabwali, cassava and groundnuts, kakeya, ichiboboli, mabisi, matamba, mbeba, chibwantu, chikanda and inswa for the duration of his stay in the land of Caucasians who were reputed to consume frogs, snails and crabs in large portions!

When Buyoya made his maiden appearance on their small screens, folks with fair skins were enchanted and mesmerised with his wit and immense intellect. He actually spoke the language of the Queen better than most of them. He presented his shows with supreme confidence, and when it was his time to conduct interviews, he asked questions that made many of his guests squeal like squirrels and blush with embarassment. They had found their missing link…..finally. Mambians were particularly proud to see one of their own conquer the Caucasians.

When he pitched up for duties next morning…… it struck him as rather odd to find the office devoid of the usual hubbub of laughter and chartering. Everyone seemed to be conversing in whispers or avoided making eye contact with him, as much as possible.

“Le boss said you should see him immediately you step in…..” the receptionist said to him as she furiously typed on her computer.

‘Le Boss,’ as the man in charge was euphemistically referred to, had an explosive temperament. He was feared by all and sundry. You dared cross paths with him at your own peril. And yet, there was Buyoya…… required to present himself before the mighty one, pronto. What wrong had he done to warrant summons from so early in the morning.

As he found his way to Le boss’ office upstairs, he was overcome with utmost trepidation. He obviously expected the worst! Without much looking up from whatever he was engrossed in or indeed bothering to return his pleasantries, he simply thrust an envelope at him. Buyoya was trembling spasmodically as he opened it.

And viola…..it was a generous job offer! It promised a 6 figure pay cheque, fully furnished bungalow, personal to holder motor vehicle and annual vacation to a destination of his choice!

If ‘Le boss’ expected him to jump through the roof, punch his fist into the air and shout “yes!” then he was disappointed. Buyoya simply sunk deep in his seat and looked at him questioningly.

“What the hell is wrong with you….. dude!” Le boss was struck by thunderbolt.

Unbeknownst to anyone, Buyoya’s heart had long travelled back home to Mambia. He had run out of his precious supplies – akabwali, utu mintesa, cassava and groundnuts; the kakeya and ichiboboli; mabisi, matamba, mbeba, chibwantu, chikanda and of course inswa. He was left with no option but to suffer through something he considered foreign to his tastebuds – pizarros, sambwembwes and sushis! Of course nothing tasted better than the cooking of his beloved mama back in Chilenje!

“Sorry, Sir…..” he said, nonchalantly. “Am heading back home to Mambia….”

The balding man with a prominent Victorian nose and a belly that looked as if it was about to explode was shocked!

“Like……seriously?” he detached his cigar from his mouth, slowly. “Get the f…..k of my face!”

As the jumbo jet taxied off the runway and finally took off to the skies, it suddenly encountered a terrible turbulence that shook it violently. Everyone was in panick mode. Nothing of this sort had occurred before. Everyone was screaming and shouting and asking the captain to “please do something about it!”

As the hostesses ran around hither and thither, desperately trying to calm down the situation, they realised that Buyoya comfortably remained positioned calm and collected in his economy seat near the toilet.

“He’s the reason for our misery,” one of the passengers pointed an accusing finger at him.

“How can he prefer to feature on Diamand TV than the much popular BCC?” another one chipped in. “The gods must be mad!”

“This is akin to choosing to watch Muzorewa FC instead of Manu,” quipped a man clutching a big camera close to his chest.

“He wants to go back home to mommy,” chuckled a skinny fella as everyone burst into uncontrollable laughter. “Why can’t we throw him out of the plane….”

“Yeah!” They shouted in unison.

Fortunately for him, he landed on a United Kinklidom bound ship.

By Prince Bill M. Kaping’a

Kalemba March 27, 2024

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