Shi Joe - The Drunkard

Story: Shi Joe realizes he will face the music whether he goes to Hell or Heaven.

I resurrected up or down and saw an ocean of fire burning heavily from an area about thirty meters away.

Umm Bakaamba fearing the heat and thick smoke that was evaporating from the ocean burning area, I quickly sprinted ichilailai away and went and stood afar. With smoky eyes and COVID-19 breathing, I then tried to recapture the signal of what the hell was happening!

I wondered sorrowfully njebele, where am I kanshi? Nazipeza bwanji kuno? Who brought me here? And this fire…. is it Chisokone or City Market on fire again? Olo could it be one of our manufacturing plants that has been set ablaze?”

While trying to figure out what the hell was gutted, something very strange appeared on my right side!

Bakamba I saw a very beautiful park surrounded by evergreen lawns and rose flowers that were emanating or emitting lavender scent. In the middle of the park was a huge fenced golden and not white house batubepa; it had an entrance guarded by a mukanjo wearing muntu not muzungu.

I again asked myself njebele, “Can this park be Manda hill mall olo Levy Junction mall? No no no this park is beyond any mall pa Zed because it’s too fublicacious and our malls do not have entrances that are guarded my ba muntu with white mikanjos!

Bakamba pa last njebele, “ummm kutiwaisanga ku Dubai let me first approach that mukanjo wearing malonda and ask him which part of Lusaka this is and then start going back ku Komboni!

So I walked to the iron gate olo kapena entrance and approached the guard. “Hello okefye iwe mudala malonda yowa wife knows how to wash clothes!” Look at yowa good mukanjo, what sort of detergent paste does yowa wife use when washing this – is it Bullet or Boom? Chivoice cha malonda ati “Excuse me can’t you see that this is Holy Angel Gabriel”

I interjected the Angel njebele, “yeah but now tell yowa bosses Ku Holy Angel Gabriel Security Company to be dressing you mu uniform something like ilya iyaba Armco Security olo Gear 4 officers and not malonda naulyamo umukanjo kwati muchawa pa mosque!”

Bakamba the Angel just looked at me without responding and I continued talking. “So iwe kanyangu what kind of a security officer are you? You are standing here like a Zesco pole yet the industries are burning and you can’t call vima fire tenders va one million Gruder to come and do seize fire?”

The Angel responded ati, “My friend that is hell fire where sinners like you are thrown and left to burn for eternity!” Njebele, “Iwe kanyangu osaniyofya ai!! Niuze chabe kwamene nilili so that I start off kumwesu Ku Komboni and am sure my wife Bana Joe is waiting for me!”

The Angel ati “Sorry dear you are a dead man, no going back home and I warmly welcome your spirit to Hell!” Njebele “Iwe Chi Kanyangu kamulonda if you can’t help me then open this gate I enter and talk to yowa Bosses!”

The Angel ati, “Sorry Sir you are not qualified to enter this house of the righteous but you belong to that same fire burning place you are running from!”

Njebele “Iwe Kanyangu I hope you are not hiding our mukula tree in this your embassy house and you are using this heaven tricks to scare me. If you won’t let me in I will go and come back with a search warrant and a Marcopolo bus full of ba Anti-corruption!”

Bakamba I then tried to force myself inside but the Angel grabbed me brutally and lifted me on his shoulder and then started dragging me toward the Lake of Fire!

Bakamba I screamed out njebele, “Iwe Malaika easy first and kwatako leniency because wimbonafino ndemoneka and conclude that am a sinner otherwise ndi ng’omba too much mu St John’s Choir na Bishop Yohane nalibeshiba, elo futi nalimbileko panono naba Adonai Singers aze backing vocalist! I need justice big man and you can’t just throw me mu swimming fire pool without looking into my files!”

The Angel dropped me down and said ati, “well, I know you are a full time sinner but I will accord you justice! In my heart njebele “ehhh paipa pano!”

To be continued on Tuesday.

Christian author, Joseph Chibwe describes his drama series as fictional; depicting a cantankerous drunkard from Malole Tavern who narrates his own dramatic escapades using a language he barely comprehends.


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