Shi Joe mysteriously appears in heaven and is made to account for his sins during his time on Earth
BAKAAMBA, after retiring from doing piece jobs in town, I passed through my usual drinking hole called Malole Tavern to catch some sips from my fellow Chibuku sipping mates. Luckily I found ba Gai seated pama wooden benches outside the Lole, as we called it, with one big tin of brown Chibuku in their midst.
I went and fused myself on the bench incognito Bakaamba. Without even greeting my mates, I pounced on the tin they were warming themselves with and connected to my dry lips. Bakaamba before I could even siphon the beer into my gullet, Sichopeti Banda disconnected it from my mouth and blasted me.
“Shi Joe the Drunkard, you have no liberty to sip from our tin without permission. Ever since you started coming to our Tarven, have you ever bought even a single tin for us?”
Bakaamba before I could even respond, the entire group grabbed me brutally and dragged me away from their drinking arena saying, “Get out of here ka Shi Joe, we don’t want ma Gula Nkumwele) here!”
Bakamba I just turned off and shameless drove my two feet tires back home. Someone to call Shi Joe as GN was being Sichopeti at its highest.
In no time, I landed pa Bondi safely, not Police Bond but Bondi. Upon entering the house, I found a chi fully loaded bottle pa table in our living room! Slowly but surely, I lifted up the bottle and started analyzing the content.
Bakaamba without reading the descriptions or maybe inscriptions, ine njebele – “this must be a new Scottish Whisky from London and am sure it is my wife who has bought it for me as birthday gift!”
So I opened the bottle, connected it to my mouth and sampled the taste! Bakamba after taking one shot rapidly, I concluded njebele “the taste is bad but if I add some mixtures am sure it will taste better!” I quickly got some mixtures and started taking the shots!
After draining the bottle half way, I then closed the top and went back to Malole Tavern to show case the whiskey to ba Gai who had connived and ejected me from sipping there Chibuku!
Upon reaching the Tavern, I lifted the bottle triumphantly and started insulting all the Tavern patrons, ati;
“Fuseki bakambwanga imwe, me I don’t drink ama samba banta. In fact, am the only one in this Komboni who enjoys this single malt whisky from Belgium. Atase imwe, the rest of you are just Impalas and you will never in yowa poor lives drink of this bottle because you don’t bath”
Ba Gai pa Tavern responded ati “Shi Joe if you have stolen that bottle from the Church please return it otherwise you will be cursed?”
Njebele, that’s why muli mafontini saana bonse, this bottle is not from Church, it came from Russia, my nephew sent it by DHL. Ba Gai ati, “Shi Joe that is anointing oil you are taking and not whiskey?” Njebele “Ehhh!!! anointing what!!??”
Bakaamba suddenly my wife Bana Joe landed delta pa Tavern and started screaming ati “Imwe Bashi Joe how can you bring this sacred holy bottle to the Tavern. “Iyeee abaume aba, surely Bashi Joe you can’t read and see that this is not Junta but anointing oil? Pastor Simukonda left this bottle for me to keep for him – what will I tell him now that you have done the unthinkable?”
Ehh bakaamba I blasted my wife njebele, “Shut up braali sichopet woman, first of all my house is not a church for you to be keeping such things like anointing oilo, uhh! Number two I have already taken this bottle half way and if I become mad and start seeing visions of paradise mingling with Jerusalem, woman you and yowa pastor will be in big trouble!”
Bakaamba suddenly the anointing oil reacted in my stomach and I fell down on the ground and I had no idea what happened next. In a twinkling of an eye, I just saw myself somewhere strange. An eerie feeling came over me and in my numb state, I realized with trepidation that I had gone to heaven.
With trembling hands, I remembered that I had mistaken drunk anointing oil instead of Junta. Suddenly rumblings began in my stomach and out of nowhere I could hear a choir singing on one side and some burning smoke on the other.
To be continued on Friday...
Christian author, Joseph Chibwe describes his drama series as fictional; depicting a cantankerous drunkard from Malole Tavern who narrates his own dramatic escapades using a language he barely comprehends.